The Widow’s Walk

      Acts 8:4 But the believers who were scattered preached the Good News about Jesus wherever they went.    NLT

      *PERSECUTION FORCED THE BELIEVERS OUT OF THEIR HOMES IN JERUSALEM, AND ALONG WITH THEM WENT THE “GOOD NEWS”.

   Acts 8:4 NASB Therefore, those who had been scattered went about preaching the word.

I can’t remember how long it was before my mother-in-law’s death that we had been contacted by the hospital. My husband and I were absolutely stunned to hear of the condition his mother was in. We had been trying to contact her off and on with strange responses from her. We knew she didn’t sound like “herself” but she never let us know she was that ill. After her death, at first, we thought we would have her lawyer , who was a friend to her. And these people who had helped her, take care of the house and her belongings for us. We felt my husband couldn’t handle a trip to Oklahoma from Northern California.

But it was that “push” I got, strangely familiar, to just pick up and move us down here. The writing on the wall was there already for sometime- we were increasingly uncomfortable in our apartment. Also my job wasn’t as much fun as it had been. The lawyer told us there was plenty of money for the move, so two weeks later we were on the road. Our parakeet, Bonnie Blue, strapped into the back seat.

It’s amazing how God supplies you with the energy needed. I could never have done all that needed to be done without Gods hand in each matter. It wasn’t just the physical that was so hard but the logistics of arranging my husbands medical needs and coordinating oxygen tank exchanges in cities across the west. At the time of our departure my husband had been kicked up to 4 litters constant flow, 24hr a day. That’s alot of tanks! My torn shoulder tendons can attest to that. We did take our time.

I learned so much from my husband on how to love. He was always so careful with his mothers feelings. She had been a very difficult person throughout his life, yet he always stood up for her and was always careful how he spoke to her. I had to back away and defer to him because I got in trouble too many times saying things she took the wrong way. He taught me to love her in spite of her idiosyncrasies, a lesson I wish I had learned many years earlier regarding my own mother who I had “tough loved” away.

My husband really enjoyed being back here. We would drive around and he would tell the stories of his upbringing. His father was a special man. My husband would remember him for all he did for him and with him. Especially baseball!

There was also a lot of heartbreak in my husband’s coming home. We just could not understand why his mother had lived the way she did the last two years of her life. As we uncovered her life it broke our hearts. My husband loved her even more at the time of his own death. We didn’t regret not being here for her, we just wished she had wanted us here.

My husband became more and more like his father at the time his death grew near. He was calmer, quieter, loving, and like his father his “nose was often in the Bible”.  He knew he was about to fly away. He was ready.

Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days, that we may present to You a heart of wisdom.  NASB

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The Widow’s Walk

                 PUTTING PRAYER FIRST!

   My husband nor I believed in coincidence. When we allowed God’s plan to work out at His pace without too much of our own figuring, we were able to see what He had been accomplishing in our lives. Of course it was only in hindsight that we saw how the plan unfolded. The trick and the treat was to grab a hold of the Saviors hem and wing it.

   As I look back on our 12 years together I’m amazed we were able to do it without too much question. Many “others” gave us council to slow down and search motive and manner. I don’t know why but we didn’t involve “others” very much in our decisions. We sounded off friends different issues we had been working on. Like:

   Money: Do we keep separate accounts ? Do we share the responsibility of my husbands past credit card debt? Do we discuss any purchases made? Do we have “OUR OWN MONEY”? We did bring this up at a dinner party with R&C. Of course Pastor Price talked with us during the prenup counseling. We discarded the world view and cleaved as one, and for the rest of the marriage we struggled together. My husband had his jobs with recording and I meted out.

   We always had just barely enough until my husband brought it to my attention that I wasn’t paying enough tithe. I had been missing a 0! I was only paying 1%. The embarrassment! Once that had been righted and we had started listening to “Crown Financial”, money was there as needed. Not in excess, but we could rest in His assurance.

   This past week plus has been incredibly hard to be a widow. It will be a year since his passing in 46 days. His birthday in 42 days. I have no party to plan. I need to make a church move. I need to find smaller and cheaper housing. What kind of work shall I do?I’ve been isolated with allergy’s, lethargy and shoulder pain. Where is my Confidant? I’ve not ventured farther than my home for earthly counsel in 12 years.

   Of course God directed my study to prayer. My study in Romans 12-15 was side lined by “coincidence” . I was rereading “The Cat Who” series at bedtime and found I was missing a volume. The book store was out so I ordered on line. For an interim book I found on a bottom shelf a book I have carried around since 2000. “The Book of Hours”, by T. Davis Bunn is a novel/mystery. It’s the story of a man who was widowed two years. He finds his way to God, a home, and earthly treasure through riddles left by his dead wife’s aunt. Of course the habit of praying the hours is the theme throughout.

   Aunt Heather writes, “Prayer gives us the strength to go beyond the boundaries of fear and pain. In order for you to heal,…you must learn to dwell within the refuge God grants us through prayer. Prayer then becomes a doorway to what lies beyond the pain and the fear and the past. Prayer will reveal to you the wonder of life in Jesus.

   “‘To arrive at this deeper purpose, you must develop prayer as a regular discipline. You must make it a constant in your life, and not just a sometime act.”

   Of course I couldn’t put the book down. I’ve read and reread different passages. It’s not really a comfort to read other peoples experiences with the death of a beloved spouse. But I do appreciate my own fear and pain validated . The enemy does try to make me feel weak and that it should be over by now. But I’m not over him, and never will be. Aunt Heather said:”My husband came and my husband went. And I am the better for it.”

   So I’ll sit at His feet alone. Asking for clear direction, with Faith.

   From one of this mornings preachers I heard the story of Dorcas. I’ll read it now. There are no coincidences.

The Widow’s Walk

FAITH IS NOT ABOUT HAVING A PERFECT LIFE. BUT ABOUT KNOWING OUR PERFECT GOD.

NEVER LOOK FOR JUSTICE. BUT, NEVER CEASE TO GIVE IT.

FAITH MAKES THINGS POSSIBLE, NOT EASY.

While looking through my notebook for a quote or something, my eyes stopped on my husband’s handwriting. I had asked him to jot down these truths and principles from a Sunday listening to TV preachers. In the last 2 years of his life we worshiped at home more and more. Not being able to get up and get to church at first was a hardship for him. Towards the end we both really enjoyed our time with The Word together. We had certain preachers we listened to over the years while getting ready for church. so when we started to stay home we hunkered done with notebooks and gave ourselves a basis of study for the week.

My husband read the Bible everyday. We had always fashioned an office space for him. That area would become quite elaborate. Decorated with mementos and curios from his life. He had a large library when we first married with books and lots of music. I had to insist on cutting back with each move when it had become up to me solely to pack and carry them  as his health declined.

I keep a number of my husbands things that he treasured and that speak of  his personality. A very old 3″x4″ picture of Christ with His sheep, a small cloth frog, a wind up monkey, an old dictionary held together by duct tape have remained in sight blurred by tears.

I miss his music stand and the sound of his voice reading psalms to our parakeet out loud.

His office was also his dispensary. He took his blood sugar and managed his meds there. Thus he had to be there twice a day. His Bible’s always within reach. His office was always a place of peace for him. In this house, for his last years, I had room to have my desk right next to his.

A recent widow, I love, who is going through those horrific first months of her dear husband’s death, has read “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. I’ve started it.I don’t think I can read it straight through. I read a little than put it down, it appears he wrote it that way. He talks about the laziness of grief; that he loathes the slightest effort. I’m grateful for his own candidness. He says,”Perhaps the bereaved ought to be isolated in special settlements like lepers.”. I agree.

In Lewis’ first pages he says, “Meanwhile, where is God?”. I am so grateful my own experience has been quite different. I have never been more aware of God’s hand in my life. Throughout these past 10 mos. He has been my sole comfort. He has made Himself obvious as He gently prods me from pillar to post. Just this morning a question from only a week ago was answered by a TV preacher in his sermon.

Max Lucado in “A Gentle Thunder”, says regarding Mark 6:46-52:

” So what does God do while we are enduring the pain? What does He do while we are in the storm? You’ll love this. He prays for us. Jesus wasn’t in the boat because He had gone to the hills to pray, Jesus prayed.”

Mark 6:50b&51a  But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage! I am here!” Then He climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped.

The Widow’s Walk

HUMBLY PLACE THE NEEDS OF OTHERS BEFORE YOUR OWN.

Philippians 2:1-4  If then there is any encouragement in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by thinking the same way, having the same love, sharing the same feelings, focusing on one goal.                                                                                                                           Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

  It was always interesting to me that my husband felt truly loved after a good meal. Unlike most men I had known the touching, the dressing up for, gifts or wearing perfume did not demonstrate to him my love for him like a meal at the table. That is when his eyes shined and he looked at me with approval. We could have been in the midst of a war, but right after he said Grace over the meal his whole demeanor would change . Peace was attained and words of love would pass between us.

  So much attention was put on diet and the pleasure of eating throughout our marriage. (I’m still struggling with the whopping 70 lbs. I’ve gained since our marriage) My husband was a diabetic, with gout. We had found out later that the steroids in the inhalers that treat the COPD probably caused the gout like symptoms. So devising 3 meals a day, shopping for them, adjusting recipes, preparing the meals, cleaning up etc., etc . took quite a bit of time in the day. What do I do now that he is gone?

  He read the newspaper and studied baseball stats and players careers. He knew players batting averages and who they had played for their entire careers. I read recipes.

  I had been in the food business most of my younger life. My favorite had been catering. I just loved the challenge of going in to a space and joining a team of people scurrying about making a party. When I had become clean and sober I needed a different work place. Skill redirection and having been Born Again directed those skills from party to nurturing the elderly and the disabled. All this experience just the right combination to be able to care for my darling husband. What do I do now?

  I pray that God will show me what He wants me to do soon. It’s been 10 mos of bungling from one project to the next. The clutter and disorganization is still overwhelming. He does make me aware of what has been accomplished during these months. But I doubt myself. What would Paul say? Am I ignoring the instructions in these verses. I think if the tears would just stop those words could be seen more clearly.

Philippians 2:13  For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose.    Amen